Asylum
by Alma
Summary: We all know Cloud's crazy, but now he's in an insane asylum. Told from Cloud's POV.
1. Default Chapter

**Cloud's POV**  
  
"The knife felt hot in my hand. I remember the adrenaline rush, my arms tingling with a strange weightless feeling. Slowly, I crept up the stairs. Every pound of my body felt heavy on the wooden floor as I inched towards her room. Gently, I pushed open the door, careful not to make too much noise. And there she was, lying in bed, asleep.  
  
"She was smiling, her eyes closed, looking like an angel curled up. I gently pressed the blade of the burning knife in my palm and I remember it sliced open my finger, the neatly cut flesh stung, weeping blood. I watched the blood flow, fascinated by the rich red color, this liquid that kept me alive seemed so unimportant in small doses.   
  
"The moonlight shone in through the open window upon her face, gleaming like a pearl in a sea of black waters. My heart pumped faster and faster and I smiled, enjoying the excitement adrenaline brought. Her hair so perfectly lined her face she could have been a doll in a toy store.  
  
"I leaned closer with the knife, letting the tip of the twisted blade rest on her pale cheek, watching it rise and fall with her breathing pattern. The blade glittered silver in contrast with her rich chestnut hair, her almond shaped eyes still closed, still unaware of my presence.   
  
"I'm not quite sure what happened next. I just remember pulling the blade across her cheek feeling the soft resistance of her flesh against my slight pressure applied. Her blood spilled from the red slit in her cheek and ran down the blade, coating it in shiny slippery red gleam.   
  
"She woke up then, feeling the sudden pain, I would imagine. Her brown eyes were wide in shock, staring at me as she put her hand over her face feeling rich warm blood covering it. She opened her mouth to scream as her eyes darted to the bloodied knife I held in my hand. The moment felt great as fear spread across her face and her eyebrows tilted back in appalled shock against my unwanted presence.   
  
"But she didn't scream. She held out her hand shining with blood and her expression changed to begging for mercy. 'Cloud!' She sputtered, her lips and eyes trembling with a thousand unspoken words, waiting to be heard.   
  
"I actually didn't recognize my name. The word seemed foreign to me at the time. I shut my eyes, shaking my head because I think my vision got blurry here or something, I don't remember. I grasped the handle of the knife tighter-it was slippery with blood. 'Cloud!' she screamed again closer, grasping my hand holding the knife, trying to ease it away from me.   
  
"But I couldn't hear her. The moment was too great, I couldn't let her ruin it now. I swung down with the knife, the blood stringing through the air, right through the side of her arm. I could feel the blade rip through the tough muscle, not to deep as to reach bone. Delicious blood tore through the air as she let out a shriek and met me with a sharp punch to my jaw.   
  
"I remember hitting the wooden floor with a crack, my jaw swelling from the hard hit. The knife had fallen from my grasp and everything was blurry and red. Then a blinding light stung my eyes as someone turned on the room's lights. I heard voices and footsteps of people running.   
  
"I was lying on the floor holding my dislocated jaw in pain, looking up through a strange glare of light to see Cid and Barrett around Tifa, talking very fast. She pointed at me, her eyes alone accusing enough in a terrified look of horror and anger.   
  
"I couldn't speak. My voice was lost in the waves of my emotions bubbling within myself. Cid stomped over to me, rage in his voice. 'Little piece of shit!' he growled and punched me right in the face, sending me sprawling backwards onto the floor. A fresh shot of pain ignited through me coupled with the pain hanging in my jaw.   
  
"My eye was aching now as the blood vessels broke around it with the second punch from Cid. I tried to hold up my arms in defense, but found they were too heavy to lift. My right eye had swollen shut and Cid's fist continued battering my face. Seconds passed and my lip was bleeding severely.   
  
"I coughed, swallowing the hot copper taste of my own blood caught in my mouth. Finally I heard Tifa yell something out and Cid went back over to her.   
  
"I lay painfully on the floor, my dislocated jaw, swollen eye, bloody nose and bleeding lip rippled waves of unbearably excruciating pain. I writhed and tried crawling towards them, wanting to yell out, but my jaw wouldn't move.   
  
"Barrett's footsteps echoed heavy in my ears as he walked over and kicked me right in the face sending shooting pain to my freshly broken nose as everything went black. I don't remember any much more than that," I sat back, my story concluded.  
  
"Oh, and then I woke up here. That's it though," I added, my jaw still sore from all the talking. It had healed over the two weeks I had been here, but my face still hurt from Cid's punches.   
  
"Why did you want to harm Tifa in the first place?" The psychiatrist adjusted his glasses; his eyes were warm and welcoming under the lenses.  
  
"It was just such a rush of adrenaline. I...It's really an indescribable feeling. The shiny silver blade of the knife with my fist wrapped around the handle and her sweet unsuspecting face, so eager to be cut. I couldn't have stopped myself if I wanted to," I admitted, smiling when I thought of the weightless sensation I had had.   
  
"But Tifa was very hurt and had to spend a day in the hospital for three thousand stitches on her arm and four hundred stitches on her cheek," he said reading off a piece of paper from the hospital.   
  
"I wish I hadn't done that to her," I replied, thinking of nothing better to say. "I...I don't know what made me do what I did..."  
  
"Well, don't worry. We can help you here. But right now, I'll need to have a nursing assistant escort you back to your room. We'll schedule another appointment soon," he smiled at me in a friendly way and I nodded.  
  
"When can I see Tifa again?" I asked him, wanting to apologize now more than ever for what I did although I can't think of why I did it in the first place...  
  
"She can visit here if she likes, but right now you'll have to go to your room," he smiled, calling on of the nursing assistants over.   
  
The assistant was a big strong guy with a friendly face. I'm sure he could beat the hell out of me if he really wanted to, but his eyes were very friendly.   
  
"Wait, one last thing. We ran a test on a blood sample from you and were you aware that your blood contains both Mako and Jenova?" the doctor squeezed his eyes in puzzlement.   
  
"Yeah, yeah I was aware," I smirked and let the assistant lead me back to my room.   
  
I stared at the sign I passed on the way: Midgar Asylum Level 5B   
  
This always made me laugh because it wasn't in Midgar. It was actually in Junon. Who made up the name anyway? And why name it "Midgar" when it was in Junon? Was it in memory of the old Midgar City? It should be called "Junon Asylum," right?  
  
"Hahahahahaha!!" I let out a long happy laugh that echoed down the corridors. This world I live in has become so stupid! "Midgar!" I shouted and laughed some more thinking about the asylum name.   
  
"That's crazy!" I told the assistant who just nodded and smiled as he led me back into my room. "Junon, not Midgar!" I shouted to him, tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks. The assistant locked the door and left me in my solitude.   
  
But I always preferred solitude anyway...even when I was laughing my ass off over the stupid name of my building. Solitude was always so comforting to me...Alone...  



	2. Sephiroth

"You almost killed Tifa," Sephiroth smirked, leaning against the sidewall.   
  
"I...I didn't mean to," I confessed, sitting down on the bed suddenly feeling very depressed.   
  
"Yes you did. You wanted her dead. Why?" Sephiroth asked.   
  
"I don't know. Everything was too perfect. SHE was too perfect. And I had the power to end the perfection. Why was she so perfect? Why couldn't I have been perfect? She wasn't for me..." I sighed, laying back on the bed.   
  
"You loved her," Sephiroth walked over to me, his boots clicking against the tiled floor.   
  
"Loved her? I did love her. She was my everything. But what was I to do? My emotions repelled eachother, an undying conflict arose. I had the power to end that conflict... I wanted to end it," I looked over at him as he stood above me, then walked back over to the wall.   
  
"You wanted to end the conflicting feelings within you by killing her. If she was dead, then any contrasting feelings you had would be dead also, right?" he raised an eyebrow and tilted his lips into a smile.   
  
"I had the power to kill her. I had the power to end her life. I had the power to make myself miserable by killing the woman I love, to make or break my life. I wanted to mar her perfection, to put a flaw on a clean slate, to twist her beautiful face to match my twisted heart," I whispered to Sephiroth.   
  
"But then what stopped you from ending her life?" Sephiroth questioned, walking back over to me.   
  
"The moment was amazing. I felt such power. Her blood was so innocent smeared all over her face and hands, a scar left by my love for her. I didn't want to kill her, no. I just wanted to make her mine. She was too perfect for my horrible self. If she was horrible also, then everything would work out..." I turned over onto my side, bringing my knees to my chest.   
  
"You didn't want to kill her? But you tried, didn't you? Just like you tried to kill Aeris. Just like you tried to kill me," Sephiroth laughed.   
  
"But I did kill you," I reminded him. His laughter stopped.   
  
"And I killed Aeris. So?" He smiled and sat down on the edge of the bed.  
  
"I didn't try to kill Aeris anyways..." I pouted, lying on my stomach with my face in the pillow.  
  
"Yes you did. You wanted her dead too. You wanted to ruin your own life, you DID ruin your own life. I'm disgusted I ever spent time with you in the first place," he countered, standing back up, pacing the room.   
  
"Why don't you just shut the hell up? Leave me alone. You're dead anyway...I killed you," I mumbled, irritated by his presence now.   
  
"But I live on in your mind, right? Imprinted onto your very soul. I've left my mark and now you carry my burden," he replied, pacing more.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about! All I hear is noise!!" I shouted at him, fury growing. I grasped my head, the static becoming louder and louder.  
  
"You can hear my words clearly, don't kid yourself," He laughed.   
  
"Get away from me! I don't need you to bother me constantly!" I yelled, knocking over the nightstand next to me. It clattered to the ground. I kicked it across the floor, hitting him in the shin.  
  
"Now you've made me angry, puppet!" he scowled, walking over to me.   
  
I shrank back in fear, stumbling over the bed, landing on my back. "Get away from me!!" I screamed up at him. His eyes glowered down at me.   
  
"Get away! Don't come near me! You're not real!" I yelled defiantly as he grabbed me by the collar, lifting me up, throwing me against the wall.   
  
I fell to the floor and picked up the fallen nightstand, throwing it towards him with all my strength. It smashed into a thousand pieces against the wall. But he wasn't there! I scanned the room rapidly.  
  
"Sephiroth!" I called, paranoia rising.   
  
Suddenly, he was behind me, laughing maniacally, shoving me back. I fell to the floor my anger pelting through me. I heard a sound. My eyes darted to the turning doorknob as several people rushed into the room, everything was light and blurry, Sephiroth's laughter ringing in my ears.   
  
"Is everything ok?" One man yelled out to me.   
  
"Get away!" I shouted to Sephiroth, who stood behind the man. "Get away, Sephiroth!" I picked up a broken chunk of the nightstand and threw it with all my might at the man, aiming to hit Sephiroth.   
  
"Whoa! What the hell?" The man motioned something to the others once the splintered wood cut into his shoulder, leaving him bleeding lightly.  
  
I fought against the strong hands of the newcomers as they wrestled me into a straightjacket refusing to listen to my screams of protest. "Sephiroth!" I screamed with anger, struggling to get near him so I could punch him in the face, but the men held me back, tying the straightjacket tight.   
  
"Who's Sephiroth?" One man remarked.   
  
"Probably some hallucination," another responded.   
  
But Sephiroth was right there! He stood against the wall, shaking his head, looking at me.   
  
I found that I was sitting in a chair that I could not get out of. But it was comforting somehow. I began to relax, my anger cooling.   
  
"You ok?" one man asked me.   
  
"What happened?" another asked the first man.   
  
"He's having a hallucination of some sort. We'll need someone to monitor him. He'll calm down in a little bit," the first man responded jabbing a needle into my arm.   
  
I was calming down, feeling secure and safe against Sephiroth now. It was relaxing, my heart rate was beginning to slow and my breathing was becoming more steady.   
  
"Ok, I'll stay with him," one guy said and I heard the others leave.   
  
"It's alright now. Whatever it is you see isn't real," he told me.  
  
But Sephiroth was still there, sitting in the far corner, not saying anything, just glaring at me with his cold green eyes.   
  
I was much calmer now than I was before. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see Sephiroth's figure in the shadows. He's just imaginary...I sighed, thinking hard, trying to make him go away.   
  
I dozed off a little, not wanting to open my eyes ever again. I sat for a few hours, my own heartbeat comforting me.   
  
But then I heard the door open. How long had it been? An hour? Two? I snapped open my eyes, seeing the guard get up to talk to the new man.   
  
"Strife has a visitor," he whispered to the guard, nodding over at me.  
  
From the corner, I saw Sephiroth smile.  



	3. Tifa

I hung my head low, trailing my eyes back to the doorway.   
  
"Cloud?" A sweet voice called as she stepped into the room.   
  
All emotions of anger and confusion washed away and I forgot all about Sephiroth.   
  
"Tifa! I...I'm so sorry! I'm sorry!" I cried out as she walked closer.   
  
I saw a huge gash on her cheek, stitched together, and she was wearing a long sleeved shirt, so I couldn't see her arm. Her eyes were misty as she gazed at me. She looked so beautiful and perfect, despite the scar on her cheek.   
  
"Cloud, what happened to you?" She asked as she stepped nearer. I saw a fear in her eyes I had never seen before.   
  
"N...nothing! I don't know. I'm fine," I smiled back, wishing she would forgive me. "I'm sorry..." I repeated, thinking back to before any of this happened.   
  
"15 minutes Ms. Lockheart," the guard called and waited outside the door.   
  
"Cloud, what's wrong with you? Why'd you do it?" Her voice sounded very sad and lonely, yet her eyes were plainly afraid of me.   
  
"Are you afraid of me now?" I asked timidly, a strange pain spreading from my deep within my chest.   
  
"I don't know how to answer that," she looked away.   
  
"Are you taking me away from here?" I tried to sound hopeful.   
  
"I'm only here to visit, you'll be here... for a while," she stepped closer, sitting down on the chair the guard had brought her.  
  
"But why? This is a place for crazy people and I'm not crazy!" I shouted.   
  
"Cloud, I can never trust you again. I don't even know if I want to be with you anymore after what happened. You could have easily killed me," her soulful brown eyes were teary and stared sadly at me.  
  
"Never trust me again? But I didn't mean to! You don't understand! Please Tifa, I'm sorry, please forgive me! Get me out of here!" I begged, wanting to give her a hug, but the straightjacket prevented me.   
  
"No, Cloud. I felt like it wasn't you with the knife that night. It wasn't you who would want to harm me...but then I can't think of any other excuses for you. And I just can't trust you anymore, I'm sorry," she paused for a long moment, her eyes downcast.   
  
I didn't speak for what felt like a long time and I felt a horrible feeling stretching through my chest and lungs. My eyes watered up unwillingly.   
  
"But...you can't just leave me here! I'm ok! Really, I am! I don't know what was wrong with me before, but I'm fine now! Please, believe me, Tifa," I whispered, fighting the tears welling up. A pain, an aching longing, exploded in my chest. I choked against this new pain. I didn't want her to leave me.  
  
"Why did you visit me if you only wanted to break my heart?" I stared at the floor, my voice choked through a lump swelling in my throat. I couldn't maintain eye contact with her without bursting into tears.  
  
"Oh, that's not it," she comforted me and placed her hand on my shoulder. "I just wanted to see how you were doing here. And I wanted to apologize for Cid punching you in the face so many times. I never wanted him to hurt you..."   
  
I moved my eyes to meet hers and she took her hand off my shoulder. "Why did you do it?" she finally asked, her eyebrows curved back in sorrow.   
  
I didn't have an answer. What was I to say? It was painful to see her so fearful of me.  
  
"I just don't think I can ever look at you the same anymore," she confessed, touching my forehead, brushing her hand up through my hair.   
  
"But I'm still the same person as I was before all this happened! I'm fine! I just..." I trailed off, unable to finish my sentence, not knowing what exactly to say.   
  
"It's just that for a moment, when I first woke up, I thought you were Sephiroth. You resembled him so much for a split second. I thought you were going to kill me. ...My life was to be ended by you, my own best friend, who fought alongside me for what seemed like an eternity," she said this mostly to herself, although I heard it all.   
  
"Tifa... I...I..." I couldn't tell her that I loved her. The words were trapped inside of me.   
  
"I guess what I'm trying to say is goodbye," she sighed and she squeezed her eyes closed, apparently trying to avoid tears. "I'm sorry."  
  
"No! Please! Please don't leave me! I..." I yelled, fearful of never seeing her again. I still couldn't tell her I loved her...  
  
"I'll visit you sometimes, but just for a bit you'll stay here," she promised, but I wasn't sure if she was telling the truth or not.   
  
"But... No! We can be happy together! Please don't leave me here! Please!" I shouted, trying with all my strength to get closer to her, but I couldn't budge.  
  
"Ms. Lockhart, time's up," the guard opened the door, motioning for her to leave.   
  
"Goodbye Cloud, I'll see you again," She gave me a quick hug, then rushed from the room, leaving me alone and feeling so very empty.   
  
"Goodbye Tifa... I...love you," I whispered quietly after the door had closed.   
  
The guard sat back down in his chair, reading a newspaper. I had never felt so alone and hollow in my life. My body weight depressed into the chair, feeling so heavy and unmovable. I stared at the floor, not wanting to move, not caring if I lived or died.  
  
"She'll be back," Sephiroth spoke from the shadows of the corner. "I promise, she'll be back." He leaned back into the shadows, vanishing from my sight.   
  
I didn't care to respond. The color drained from the world around me and I felt so desperately alone.  



	4. Zack

After Tifa's sad visit, everything was just a blur of noise and depressed images, far away like a gray, rainy painting. I didn't care about anything anymore. I felt hollow, dark and gloomy.  
  
Eventually, I was taken out of the straightjacket so I could eat and take a shower. But a guard followed me around all day, like everyday. Even when I was in the damn shower, a guard was right outside the door! (Probably expecting me to commit suicide with the glass bulbs on the mirror.) The thought HAD passed through my mind...  
  
I got out of the shower, drying off with a towel, and putting on clean clothes. My blond hair was actually really long when it was wet. It went passed my chin and it naturally stuck up in spikes when it dried if I left it alone. People think I use gel, but my hair just likes to defy gravity. I can't help it.   
  
I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My blue Mako eyes glowed in the dim light. I looked tired and sad. Is this how I always looked?   
  
The light in the bathroom flickered and for a moment I could swear I saw Sephiroth's reflection in the mirror replacing mine. I jumped, startled, but then I looked again and my own face stared back. My heart began racing and suddenly, I noticed Zack's reflection was standing behind me in the mirror.   
  
I spun around and he was standing right in front of me, staring through me.  
  
"Zack!" I exclaimed in shock and fear, watching his eyes focus on me, as if he just noticed I was there.  
  
"Cloud," his voice was low and hardly matched my own surprise.  
  
I turned back around towards the sink, washing cold water over my face. "You're not real. Just my imagination...Zack's dead...Zack's dead..." I repeated to myself, trying to calm the beating of my heart.   
  
The walls began swirling and the sound of running water shifted to static. Zack's dead...I repeated mentally to myself. There's no way he could be here... just like Sephiroth...he's just a hallucination...  
  
"Why was I ever friends with you? You're so pathetic. Not even Tifa wants to spend time with you anymore," Zack spoke.   
  
I held my eyes shut, rinsing cold water over my face again and again. You're not real...why won't you leave me alone...  
  
"What, you won't even say hello to your old friend?" Zack sounded insulted.  
  
Finally, I turned, seeing him standing a foot away looking very unimpressed. "You look a mess, what happened?" he sarcastically smiled.  
  
"I saw you die. You can't be real," I reasoned.   
  
"So what? You saw Sephiroth die and you still talk to him," Zack countered.  
  
"What do you want?" I sighed, not wanting to argue with him.   
  
"Why did you do it? Why hurt Tifa?" Zack asked plainly.   
  
I turned back around, shutting off the running water in the sink. I didn't want to answer his question. I had an answer, but I didn't want to admit it.   
  
"Why do your feelings betray you? Why don't you want to tell me the reason?" Zack walked next to me, close to my face, but I didn't want to look up at him...he's not real...  
  
"...I wanted to destroy something beautiful. ...Like I was destroyed..." I finally gave in, speaking softly what had been on my mind for weeks.   
  
"She was beautiful?" Zack lowered his eyes at me.   
  
"Yes," I tried blinking away sudden tears.  
  
"And you think you were beautiful?" he spoke loudly and I shook my head, trying to clear the static invading my thoughts.   
  
"I was once. ... Before my past. Beautiful, I mean, by being innocent, perfect, untouched by cruelty, unmarred. But I was destroyed. Now I want to be the destroyer," I looked at him through the mirror's reflection.  
  
"Destroy Tifa? You're sick," he spat. "I would have treated her nicer than that. How dare you be mean to Tifa!" his eyes grew angry.   
  
"How dare you think you could take her life!" he shouted. "How could I have ever been a friend to such a monster like you!" he hissed, noticeably getting furious with me.  
  
"I...but, you asked me why I did-" I began to say.   
  
"You wanted to kill her!!" he accused, cutting me off.  
  
"No, no I never wanted to kill her...I swear!" I pleaded, backing away from him.  
  
"How could you?! You disgust me!" he turned away, obviously annoyed with me.  
  
"All I ever wanted was your admiration and approval. You were my best friend. Why are you getting so mad at me?" I whispered to myself, getting nervous.  
  
"You wanted to hurt the only person you loved! What the hell's the matter with you!? You never deserved her anyway!" he snarled, suddenly grabbing my wrist, twisting it hard.   
  
"It's not fair! I never wanted it to be this way!" I cried out as he smashed my hand into the burning hot light bulb above the sink. I screamed as the shards of hot glass pierced my skin, warm blood rushing over my hand, the flesh bubbling from the burn.  
  
"You're so confused. Life's not fair, is it?" He hissed cruelly, and slashed at my wrist with the broken bulb. I squeezed my eyes tightly closed-he's not real, the pain's not real, this will all go away soon... I prevented my screams from escaping into the air.  
  
"You never deserved her!" Zack screamed at the top of his lungs, throwing me down in disgust.   
  
I slipped on the tiled floor, landing in a pool of warm blood. I gaped in horror at my hollow reflection in the crimson liquid. My blond hair had turned black with blood and my arms were covered in broken glass. I saw Zack move next to me in the reflection. His expression was full of pain suddenly.  
  
"Look what you've done to me now, Cloud," Zack's strangled voice choked.   
  
My heart began racing, ready to burst and everything turned a strange yellowish color as I looked up at him from the pool of blood.   
  
His clothes were a dark crimson color soaking through from seven bullet holes weeping in his chest. He staggered, trying to speak, but only blood spewed forth from his mouth. I stumbled backwards in horror, trying to escape his death, but found myself slipping over the blood spilled on the floor, unable to get up.  
  
"Zack!" I screamed as he fell. "Help me!!" I shouted, my eyes blurry with tears. The static in my head had gotten worse and Zack's blood continued pooling on the cement tiles.  
  
"Why can't I save you?" I called to him as his breathing slowed.   
  
All of a sudden, the door slammed open and the guard who had been sitting in the other room ran in. "I heard a yell! What happened?" He yelled, picking me up off the ground.   
  
"What's going on? Zack!" I called to him again, reaching towards him, only to find I could never reach him. He was fading away, lifting his head up, blood filling the whites of his eyes.   
  
"c....cloud..." he sputtered. "...why...aren't you...h...helping...me...?" he choked and collapsed.  
  
"ZACK!!" I screamed, fighting the guard, trying to reach him. "Help him!" I told the guard, pointing to where Zack lay on the bathroom floor. I was hysterically shouting.  
  
But the guard didn't listen. He dragged me from the doorway into the adjacent room and held me into a chair, forcing me to sit and relax.   
  
"Relax! Just relax!" he said calmly, trying to soothe my hysterics.   
  
"Why aren't you helping him! Help Zack!" I shouted at him in rage, but he didn't listen.   
  
Then another few nursing assistants entered. "What happened?" one asked.  
  
"I don't know. He started screaming about someone named Zack and I found him in the bathroom, slashing his wrist with a broken light bulb," the nurse holding me explained to the other.   
  
"Dammit! Is there a mess of blood everywhere?" one asked.  
  
"No, actually. It's mostly on the sink and some on the floor when I took him outta there. Get me some medical bandages! Hurry!" he called.   
  
My arm was bleeding a lot where Zack smashed it into the bulb. But if he wasn't real, was it I who smashed my own arm into a glass bulb? No, that didn't make any sense. And there was so much blood everywhere before, why had the guard said there wasn't a lot? Was it all just in my mind, then...?  
  
One nursing assistant rushed away to get medical bandages for my bleeding wrist, while another went into the bathroom. No, they wouldn't see Zack...  
  
"Shit, he's losing too much blood!" the nurse holding me yelled to the other and moments later I felt myself being lifted and carried.   
  
"Where...am I going?" I managed to mutter softly. I was feeling weak and the pain in my arm was nothing but a shooting sensation followed by a fading numbness now.  
  
"Medical wing," one of the nursing assistants told me. "You'll be ok."  
  
I didn't say anything else, I just lay there, letting them carry me down the shining white hallways, through doors and around corners.   
  
I rested back, trying to relax. I couldn't think very clearly, the static was humming too great in my mind and jolts of pain sang through me, beginning in my wrist.   
  
I just remembered Zack falling to the ground, scarlet staining through his chest. And I couldn't save him...  



	5. Jenova

Far off, I heard a scream. A scream of agony, pain, someone was begging for mercy, begging for their life. It was a comforting sound...  
  
I felt a weight in my hands and noticed I was holding my Ultima Weapon, it's blue glow covered with specks and streaks of blood, more blood stained it with each second. But the blade didn't seem like just a weapon, it felt like an extension of myself, forever attached, forever mine.   
  
More screams and several shouts of terror. I felt nothing and everything around me was black, I was in one big dark room. My hands were coated in a silky layer of blood rippling to the floor. It was beautiful. The blood rippling from my arm followed a crimson stream that emptied into a large pool of bubbling blood.   
  
Entranced by the lake of blood, I went closer, all along hearing screams becoming closer and closer to me, and my Ultima Weapon was now covered in blood so thick you couldn't see it's faint glow. But I didn't care, in fact, I liked it.   
  
The lake highly resembled the blue lake in the Forgotten City. ...I remember the blue lake filled with cool sapphire waters-Aeris's final resting place ... This blood lake looked so much like that blue lake it was scary.   
  
As I neared it, I saw a body floating harmoniously in the center; the blood seemed to swirl around it, in praise almost. Static was getting loud in my mind again.   
  
A bright flash of light blinded me and when I looked again, I was in the Forgotten City by the lake where Aeris lay. Her body was floating in the center of the swirling waters, her face in a perpetual smile, brown hair flowing around her like angel's wings.   
  
I waded through the waters over to her body, but I couldn't quite reach her... All of a sudden red began billowing into the blue waters, tainting its pure color.   
  
Blood began spreading from her body, diffusing through the water. Blood rising from the ground, blood falling from the sky, everywhere blood rushed towards me and when I looked back to Aeris's body, it was no longer her, but Sephiroth!  
  
Another bright light flashed, and I was standing in the center of the Blood Lake, Sephiroth's body floating near me and the blood singing its praise to him, growing hot. Voices rose from the lake, filling the air, deafening me and I stared around in horror as the static grew louder, trying to overtake the voices screaming in my ear.  
  
Sephiroth's eyes suddenly snapped open, green light flooding from his emerald eyes, staring straight at me. I screamed as fear suddenly flew through my body, urging me to get away, commanding me to leave!   
  
I struggled against the swirling current of the blood growing hotter and hotter, swimming away from his blinding stare, but the blood grew thick, holding me in place.   
  
"NO! Sephiroth, please no!" I cried, wrestling through the blood, pleading for escape. His eyes held no mercy, no sympathy for my cries and he neared me, smiling.   
  
I snapped out of the dream, breathing heavy, sweat beaded around my temple.   
  
Everything was blurry, but at least the screams were silenced. My heart was pumping wildly and I realized I was sitting upright in a chair, my arms wrapped around me in a straightjacket. My chest heaved with each breath I took, as if it were to be my last.  
  
I heard footsteps and I shifted my gaze from the floor to the doorway. I was still in the medical wing, except I was in the corner of the far wall. Three guards were watching me, looking very upset and a fourth had just entered the room.   
  
"Strife's awake," one commented softly.   
  
"Alright, my watch time is done. I'm headin' home," another told the fourth, getting ready to leave.   
  
"W...what happened here?" the newcomer asked, some fear masked in his voice.   
  
Their voices suddenly dropped low, as if they didn't want me to hear, but I still could. I had a hard time focusing my eyes on anything and the figures in white looked blurry.   
  
"The patient is extremely hostile with suicidal tendencies. We have to use severe caution when we're around him now since what happened," the first answered.   
  
"He got very violent and killed 4 of the nursing assistants, wounding another three in the process! It took 6 of us to finally hold him down long enough so the doctor could sedate him," I strained to hear this last part said by the second nursing assistant.   
  
"It was luck that we managed to stop him, I feared for my life!" another whispered softly.   
  
"But he should be fine now that he's in restraints and sedated. All the ambulances just left, rushing the wounded to the medical hospital on the West Side of Junon. I'm surprised Strife isn't in prison by now, but I guess he's here for security reasons and for treatment. I'm not sure if even the psychiatrist wants to be around him after what happened," the first one replied.   
  
They kept on talking, but that was all I wanted to hear. I killed 4 people without even knowing it? What happened? I shut my eyes... no, it wasn't me! It couldn't have been me! Why would I do that?  
  
"Because you're obeying Jenova," Sephiroth's voice pierced my thoughts and I opened my eyes to find him leaning against the wall close to me.  
  
"No...not you, you're not real. Leave me alone!" I hissed through clenched teeth. Sephiroth was the last person I wanted to talk to.  
  
"Tifa is a threat to us. You are the only one with remaining Jenova and Tifa is your only weakness..." He curled his lips into a cruel smile and walked across the room.   
  
The guards were playing cards around a table now, and one looked over at me.   
  
"Who the hell's he talking to? And what the hell's he looking at?" one asked.   
  
"I don't know. He's probably having some hallucination of some sort. Just leave him be," another said.  
  
"They don't know your true power- the power of Jenova," Sephiroth smirked at the guards. "With my body dead, Jenova cannot channel herself through me. You thought she was dead? No, the threat never dies if the pieces live on. And you are one of the pieces," He stated.   
  
"You're a liar," I hissed, staring at the ground.   
  
"You carry Jenova within you, that's a fact. You want to kill Tifa, though. She is the only weakness you have. She is perfect, everything that you will never be. You're nothing," his lips spat every syllable.   
  
My breathing became heavy as I began fighting the voice in my head. The man standing next to me was just an illusion, created by my mind, yet he seemed so real.   
  
"Get out of my head! Get out of my thoughts!" I yelled to Sephiroth, but he didn't move.   
  
"But only you can do that. I cannot disappear unless you make me disappear! But you're too weak to accomplish a simple feat like that! Jenova has already grasped your mind. You are her sole survivor and she must live on! Don't try to fight it, Cloud," Sephiroth advised, letting out a laugh.   
  
"Why Tifa?" I weakly spoke, my mind tired. "I'm tired, so tired..." I shook my head, a pounding sound splicing through me. I was exhausted, but I couldn't fall asleep no matter how I tried.   
  
"Tifa is your weakness and a threat to Jenova's life. If Tifa is gone, then the conflict is gone and Jenova can have full control over you, like she did with me," Sephiroth instructed me.   
  
"You're lying. How do I know if you're telling the truth or not?" My breath was strained in my lungs.  
  
"You're the one making me say these things. Or is it Jenova speaking through me using your mind to display a projection of someone you knew to mask her true appearance? Hmm...?" he raised an eyebrow and started laughing, knowing he was confusing me.   
  
"Get outta my head..." I cried softly. "I'm not listening to you..."  
  
"You will," Sephiroth narrowed his green eyes at me. I noticed how closely they resembled Aeris's green eyes. "You will learn to bend to Jenova's will." He leaned forward, suddenly glowering with a new rage.   
  
"No... Tifa is perfect...And I love her," I admitted, forcing my eyes away from his.   
  
"But she is too perfect for you. Remember how wonderful the feeling was when you sliced open her flesh with the knife? Remember how you were so jealous of her perfect life, when yours had been so messed up?" Sephiroth reminded me.   
  
"Remember how you wanted to destroy something beautiful? You wanted to mar her perfection...remember that all?" his words twisted with anger.  
  
"I...I do..." I spoke carefully, fighting this strange feeling overtaking my mind.   
  
I DID remember how wonderful it was to cut her perfect skin...the adrenaline rush, the absence of fear, the weightless feeling of freedom, and my feelings were so unsure of what my true intentions were.   
  
Half of me wanted to kill her, half of me wanted to save her and I was trapped in between the two emotions, unable to decide which is true of me.   
  
"Get out of my mind!!" I screamed at him again. He knew I was struggling with this inner-conflict and he liked seeing me so torn emotionally.  
  
"You are at your weakest point now. Your mind is exhausted from this inner-struggle and you are ripe for Jenova's picking," Sephiroth growled, although my mind was so clouded with static I could barely hear him.   
  
Then I gave in, my mind collapsed to the invisible demanding force which was constantly beating down on me. Was it Jenova like Sephiroth said?  
  
Suddenly, everything turned red and an intense pain crippled my body, igniting through my limbs like flames lapping through oil. I felt that strange weightless feeling overtake me like when I was holding the knife before but more severe this time, and everything turned dim and blurry.  
  
The guards still sat at the table, playing cards, oblivious to my crisis. Little did they know I had just surrendered my mind to my hated and evil Jenova. They would never know the true struggle I was going through with my own intentions, the struggle for power over myself. They had no idea that their lived were now in danger.  
  
But I was too weak to fend it off this time and I knew what it was now. The power of Jenova...  
  
"What the fuck??" A heard someone yell, followed by a strange snapping sound.   
  
/Good boy.../ a voice soothed me in my mind.  
  
Everything was dim and I felt the warm spray of blood across my cheek. No, I didn't want to kill anymore...But what I wanted no longer mattered to Jenova.  
  
/My control over you can only remain firm if we eliminate your main emotional weakness.../  
  
I gave into the melodic voice empowering me and accepted this as my fate. I couldn't stop it now, I was powerless in every aspect. I wanted to curl up in a corner and cry against this pain invading my mind, commanding me against my will.   
  
It was a distinctly familiar feeling of manipulation that I had previously experienced when Sephiroth would control my mind. It was the worst feeling in the world and I could not stop it...There was nothing I could do now. Resistance no longer mattered.  
  
/Kill Tifa/ Jenova ordered me.  
  
I replied to the voice softly in my mind, knowing it was not my own thoughts responding:   
  
'Yes, mother...'  



	6. Cloud

My feet pounded hard against the pavement as I ran. The rapid beating of my heart was the only sound echoing in my ears, and my breaths came as rasps in the cold night air.   
  
I didn't know how many people I had murdered or injured, but I remember throwing myself out the doors and running, my body pure adrenaline. The streets of Junon were deserted this late at night and the streetlights flickered against the starry backdrop of the night sky.   
  
Junon, I had to get away from here. I had to find Tifa... I knew where she would be and I prayed in my mind Jenova wouldn't sift though my thoughts and learn her location. I desperately tried not to think of Costa del Sol, but it always seems that when you try hard NOT to think about something, it tends to become the only thing you think about. Tifa usually stayed in my villa in Costa del Sol, so that's where she might be.  
  
I was tired, I was weak and defenseless. No more strength left in me to fight the struggle in my mind. Nothing left of myself inside of my body. Jenova had consumed me, the fight lost.  
  
I stopped running finally at the outskirts of Junon, my breath racing to catch up, my chest heaving and my eyes darted, searching. Everything was getting very dim and blurry, I shook my head, but I had no fight left in me. I felt Jenova force my weary body onward to where she pleased.  
  
A black chocobo lay sleeping, tied to a post outside of the Inn. I ran over to it and coaxed it awake. Jenova leafed through my mind, discovering where I thought Tifa would be and I watched my hands untie the chocobo's rope. I mounting the ebony bird and heading off towards Costa del Sol, the stars twinkling above me.   
  
I'm tired...so tired...so tired...please, make this stop...  
  
...my eyelids feel so heavy, let me rest...  
  
I had never reached Costa del Sol so fast in the dead of night. The entire town was asleep, except for the Inn and the lights in my villa were still on. ...Tifa... She would be the only one who would still stay at my villa when I was away...  
  
I dismounted the chocobo outside of town and when my feet hit the bricked road of the town it instantly began pouring rain in streaks. I didn't care though, it was comforting, the sound of each delicate drop cascading into the concrete. But it made me feel even lonelier.   
  
I reached the villa, my footsteps slow and unsteady. My body was exhausted and the rain streaked down my face, my blond hair drooping with rainwater down in front of my brow. There was only one light on, I could see, the one in the bedroom near the back of the home.   
  
I took a deep breath, the rain pooling everywhere around me and she was so close, so easy to defeat... I held the doorknob, testing to see if it was unlocked- it was. A grin that was not my own spread across my face. The weightless feeling got worse.  
  
I creaked open the door gently as to make as little sound as possible and stepped into the darkness of my villa. Was she here...? I paused, listening. The bedroom door was halfway open, light streaming through the crack into the darkness of the living room I was in. I heard a slight sobbing noise coming from within...  
  
I pressed forward, stepping closer and closer to the door and I saw her. She was standing with her back to me, looking out the window, raindrops rolling down the glass pane. She was sobbing and I felt a pain somewhere deep inside of me.   
  
Was she crying because of me? ...Something I did caused her to be so...sad...  
  
/So close.../ Jenova's melodic voice echoed in my mind.  
  
Please don't make me do this...just leave me alone...  
  
Suddenly, lightning flashed followed by a roll of thunder and I heard the wind outside pick up. Tifa sighed and sat down on the bed, her eyes were red and misty. I stared at her for a moment, concealed, feeling safe with the darkness as a barrier between us.   
  
"Life's not fair, is it Tifa?" I whispered to myself quietly.  
  
Suddenly, she looked straight at me, rubbing her crimson eyes.   
  
"...c...cl...cloud...?" she tilted her head to one side and wiped her eyes.   
  
Could she see my dimly glowing blue Mako eyes through the darkness, hear my silent words? I wanted to shrink back and hide away from her saddened expression of pain, but I had no control over my actions. I stepped forward from the darkness, into the full light of the room. Thunder rumbled once more at my exposed presence.  
  
"Cloud!" She shrieked in realization, her eyes widening in a strange fear, and jumped up, opening her mouth to scream.  
  
I rushed over to her quickly clasping my hand over her mouth and held her close from behind.   
  
"Shhh... don't scream..." I whispered into her ear.  
  
Scream, Tifa, please scream. Awake everyone and have them come running to save you from me. Please scream and prevent me from doing something terrible!! Please don't let me do this...  
  
"Don't scream," I repeated softly.   
  
She turned and shoved me away, she was a lot stronger than she looked and I stumbled back a few steps. She glared at me behind her mask of fear. She backed up a couple steps against the window.   
  
"Cloud...w...what are you doing here? I thought you were in Junon," her voice was tired and strained.   
  
"Life's not fair, is it Tifa?" I repeated my first words to her, walking closer.  
  
"What do you m...mean? Cloud...get away from me!" Her worried face looked so beautiful even with the scar across her cheek to chin tainting her looks.   
  
"It's not fair that you have to be so perfect..." my tone was low and threatening.   
  
I wanted to hold her, I wanted to tell her that it wasn't me. I wanted to protect her from myself, to wipe the tears from her ruby eyes, to tell her everything was fine. But I couldn't. I was a foot away from her and I couldn't do anything to stop myself.   
  
Her eyes searched mine, looking for an answer, wanting a reason for my behavior and actions against her. She didn't speak, but her lips trembled. She could find no answer, she didn't know the power of the foe that stood in front of her. She would never know. She would always think it was me, Cloud Strife. But it wasn't... If only she knew...  
  
"You're life was a dream, while mine was a nightmare," I told her sullenly.   
  
"That's not true. You know that's not true," she leaned against the window, staring at me, still searching my eyes.   
  
"Let me ask you something. Do you have any idea what it's like being used as an experiment? Do you have the faintest idea the excruciating pain I went through!?" I suddenly raised my voice, glaring at her.  
  
"N...no," she looked down, talking calmly.   
  
"Do you have any idea the torture I had to go through when Sephiroth was controlling my mind, forcing me to do things against my will!?" I shouted.  
  
...like Jenova is right now...  
  
"You don't know what it's like to be ignored, to be a failure, a nobody! To live with voices crying in your mind constantly!!" my words were violent and I clenched my fists.  
  
"Cloud...how did you get here? ...Please, leave..." the pain in her eyes was evident and I wanted to wrap my arms around her, but the puppet in my body wouldn't allow it.   
  
/Yessss, anger, rage...So close.../ Jenova felt the anger spiking in me.  
  
"You never had to experience any of the shit I was forced to! You were always so happy with your perfect little life," I stepped closer, inches from her now.  
  
"Are you jealous, Cloud? Jealous because you're life was so bad?" her eyes seemed to shiver with awakening anger.   
  
"Cloud, but I can't help that! Is this why you've been acting so strange lately? Is it because you're jealous of my so-thought flawless life? You have no idea the pain that I have been through in my life!" she yelled back at me.   
  
"You were always so perfect! Too perfect for me! Even as kids you ignored me!! Don't tell me you've experienced pain because it's nothing compared to what I've seen and felt," I insisted.   
  
/Good boy...let your anger grow.../  
  
"I can't believe you're jealous of me! Sephiroth killed my father, and burned our town. You think I was unaffected by that!?" She shouted as thunder clapped above us, the pouring rain pelting the window.  
  
"Sephiroth ruined my whole goddamn life! Hojo ruined my whole goddamn life! Every since I joined SOLDIER my life has been one fucking disappointment after the next!" I shouted and lightening flashed white in the room, illuminating our faces.  
  
"It was your choice to join SOLDIER!" She countered, throwing her arms up between us.  
  
"But I joined it for you! I did everything for you! But I was never perfect enough for you!" I cried out over the cracking thunder.   
  
"So you're blaming me for your problems, now!?" She threw a nasty glare at me.  
  
Just then, I felt that wonderful adrenaline rush and the weightless feeling in my arms. Everything around Tifa turned dim and gray, the thunder clapped loudly in my ears, mixing with the pattering of the pouring raindrops on the window Tifa was up against.  
  
Suddenly, I realized the sickening clench Jenova had held on me was gone and that the words I had just spoken had been truly my own. Why would Jenova release me? For her own amusement? I stood dazed for a second, realizing what I had said to Tifa.  
  
/Foolish boy. /  
  
The moment my mind touched on this thought, I felt the horrible sensation as Jenova crept her control once more over my crippled mind.   
  
A sharp pain jolting in my stomach caused me to double over and fall to the ground, clenching my teeth in pain. I writhed in pain, but the sensation soon passed. Sweat was burning on my forehead.  
  
"C...cloud? Are you ok?" Tifa's voice softened and the thunder rumbling outside broke the silence between us as I struggled with the overpowering force of Jenova.  
  
...please don't make me do this...  
  
I stood up, my body shaking from the rippling pain that just passed. Tifa's eyes were cautious as she looked at me angrily.   
  
"Cloud? What's wrong?" She held out a hand and my vision went blurry, voices screaming in my head.  
  
"I can end your perfection, like I should have before," I reached up to tenderly touch the scar on her face.   
  
...no, don't, please...just let me go... Tifa...it's not me!  
  
She had little time to react as my hands reached up, grasping her small neck. My muscles were tense as I lifted her off the ground, high up against the wall.   
  
The storm raged outside and lightning lit up her frightened face in a ghastly glow of white. I smiled, my muscles tightening, and suddenly the lights flickered and went out, thunder cracking loudly right on top of us.  
  
Everything went silent. I heard Tifa's strangled sobs and I felt her heart pumping through the darkness. I paused, unsure of what to do.  
  
...put her down...don't hurt her, please...so tired...  
  
Moments after the lights had gone out, the door swung open, rain rushing in. Cid stood in his raincoat, soaking wet.  
  
"Hey! Tifa! The lights went out over at the Inn too! Do you have some candles or - WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!" Cid's voice jumped as he saw me holding Tifa and he ran in, tracking mud all over.  
  
"Cloud! Dammit, what the fuck do you think you're doing? You little piece of shit!!" he screamed, his voice lost in a stream of rage.   
  
My muscles loosened and my hands let her drop to the floor, where she lay panting and sobbing, regaining her breath.  
  
I turned to Cid, his face distorted with fury. "How the hell did you get here and what the fuck do you think you're doing!?" He raced forward.   
  
"Get away from her!" He dashed to Tifa's side, glancing up at me with a look of pure hatred...  
  
[[...To Be Continued... sorry, I can't write any more tonight *tired*]]  



	7. Cid

I stood in the concealing darkness, silent and still, hearing Cid run over to Tifa. She was sputtering and gasping for breath.  
  
Another flash of lightning and I saw their figures on the floor, Cid holding Tifa close, trying to calm her. His blazing eyes turned to me as darkness fell into the room once more.  
  
"What the hell's your problem? You trying to kill Tifa, you little piece of shit!?" His voice growled at me.   
  
...good, protect her from me...please...  
  
Suddenly, the lights flickered back on dimly. It was probably just the wind before, a tangled wire maybe. Cid glanced up at the glowing bulb.   
  
"Good, some lights so you can watch as I beat the shit outta you!" he stood up glaring at me, Tifa rising to her feet.   
  
I barely had time to react as he bolted forward, throwing a hard punch to my cheek. I flew back, holding my face, pain rushing. Cid's eyes burned with a fierce hatred as he hit me again in the face, this time right in my eye. It stung and I bit back a yell of pain.   
  
"How dare you even TOUCH Tifa!" he stepped closer, bringing back his fist for another punch.   
  
The sound of fist hitting flesh echoed in my ears and everything seemed to go in slow motion as my anger rose and my palms clenched into fists.   
  
He grabbed my blond spikes and held up my face for another beating. I caught his fist in my palm as it shot towards me. My muscles struggled against his force and I kicked him in the stomach, sending him doubling over in pain.   
  
"If I had my lance I'd have killed you already," he coughed, holding his stomach.   
  
"If I had my Ultima Weapon...you're lucky I DON'T have my Ultima Weapon," I smiled at him, feeling my swollen eye pulsating.   
  
"You goddamn..." Cid trailed off as he threw another punch, this time hitting my mouth, his fist had a smear of my blood on it.   
  
I reached up to my lips and felt warm blood pressed over them, bleeding into my mouth, the taste sweet to me. I dodged his next quick punch and punched my powerful fists into his face over and over, quicker until my hands rippled with Cid's blood from his split lip and bleeding nose.  
  
Cid shoved me away, coughing and reaching his hands up to wipe the blood from his mouth. Without giving me a second to think, he tackled me, punching relentlessly as I blocked and punched back, everything happening so quick.  
  
"Cid!!" Tifa shouted. "Cid, stop it!! Get away from him!" she shrieked and almost instantly, Cid threw me down, stumbling back over to Tifa.   
  
"He deserves it, Tifa!" Cid's voice was full of greedy rage.   
  
I peered down at my blood stained hands. But it was Cid's red blood covering them.  
  
...my god, what have I done?... attacked my own friend... please, make this stop...  
  
/Someone will die.../ Jenova was beginning to focus my wild anger, preparing my body to perform a fatal attack.   
  
...Not Tifa, please...  
  
"Cid, you have nothing to do with this! Leave him to me!" she held up her hands to stop his rambling protests.   
  
I looked up from my bloodied hands just as Tifa's fist cracked hard against my jaw, bolting pain shot through me. My face hit the wooden planks of the floor, blood dripping from my lips. My jaw went numb and she kicked me in my side, knocking the wind from me with her boot against my ribs.  
  
"I hate you! Why did you have to do this? Why did you have to ruin everything!?" She was near tears as she kicked again and again until she heard a satisfying snap in my ribs.   
  
I reeled in pain, holding my abdomen, tears stinging in my eyes. I opened my mouth to scream, but she kicked me in the jaw, a terrible ache exploded in my face.  
  
"Ever since we killed Sephiroth you've been acting so damn strange! I once thought I loved you!!!" She growled angrily, kicking me in my curled up shins. I could practically feel the blood vessels breaking as a bruise formed.   
  
"I actually thought maybe we could be happy!! Never once did you repay my feelings! Never once did you realize how much you meant to me!" She kicked me again and I choked back tears. "But now! Look what you've done! You've ruined everything we could have had!!" she was screaming now, tears streaking down her face.  
  
...I'm so sorry, Tifa...please let me die here... I don't ever wanna hurt you...  
  
"But you're not the Cloud I once knew. You're a fucking lunatic attacking Cid and attacking me! How are we supposed to be happy now???!!!" Her voice screeched high with deep emotion and spilling anger.  
  
...I'm still Cloud...I'm still the Cloud you know in here...I've just lost myself...   
  
I pushed myself from the floor, breathing heavy, pain igniting through my body and deep in my heart. My blood was dark red on the wooden floor and all over my face and chest. My hands were glossy with mine and Cid's blood.   
  
I glared up, my eyes blurry and my vision shook fiercely. I was trembling and Cid's face was just a blur of red while Tifa stood over me, glowering down.   
  
/You get even weaker at the thought of hurting her... Emotions can be such a cruel thing. Let us eliminate the cause of this emotion/ Jenova laughed.  
  
I couldn't even comprehend the words in my head as my body bolted from the floor, my hands set to kill Tifa.   
  
...NO!!...  
  
At the last split second, my emotions toppled over Jenova's will and I managed to pull myself from Jenova's restraints to divert my bloody hands to Cid, curling around his neck and twisting back with a sickening crack. Cid dropped to the floor, his body heavy with the weight of dead blood. I felt my heart beat as he fell.  
  
I couldn't have prevented myself from attacking. I only did it so I could save myself from attacking Tifa and killing her. Cid in place of Tifa, my final ounce of strength was well spent.  
  
Tifa stared for several minutes, her hand caught wavering over her open mouth in shock. "C...CID!" she gasped through sobs, falling next to Cid's corpse. Her eyes turned to me defiantly.   
  
"You killed him!!" She screamed, realizing she was alone and defenseless, with a killer.  
  
"I..." I didn't know what to say. Jenova was as shocked as I was.   
  
/Stupid boy! You think you can keep her safe from us?!/  
  
...Tifa, I did it to save you! It was supposed to be you that my hands would have killed, but I've used my last string of emotion left for you and saved you the only way I could have... my love for you saved you...  
  
"Cloud!!" she wasn't sure whether to be frightened or angry. She looked like she was expecting me to snap out of it after realizing I had killed Cid.   
  
...I didn't want it to end this way, but it was the only way without hurting you...   
  
I shed a silent tear deep within me for my fallen friend, who died at my own bloody hands.   
  
Tifa was shaking and I could feel the tension building in the air, the tears making their way down her gentle sloping cheek.   
  
"I hate you, Cloud Strife!! I hate you and I never want to see you again!!!" She spat my name hurtfully and cursed, hatred piercing through her every word, piercing my heart.  
  
...But I did it out of love for you!...   
  
She would never understand that I had saved her life. I did love her.   
  
Tears were breaking in my eyes. They were tears not even the power of Jenova could stop. They were the tears from my broken heart.  
  
"Go ahead, Cloud! Cry!! I don't care!! I hope you drown in your tears!" she screamed bitterly with an anger I had never seen in her before.  
  
Tifa rubbed her teary red eyes and picked up the nightstand next to the bed with incredible strength, adrenaline fueling her muscles. She flung the small wooden table, hitting me right in the face. I was too disoriented to see it coming.  
  
I fell back onto the floor, pain rupturing from the wound. Blood streamed down the pulsating gash in my forehead, into my eyes. Strands of my blond hair hung down in front, drenched red with blood. I was dizzy and Tifa's image was so blurry, I couldn't see her face.   
  
She tore the lamp from the wall and split it open over my head, hearing it crack against my skull. I felt myself drop down, down... depressing into the floor.   
  
Everything was black and in that final moment I felt Jenova lose her grasp on me, unable to keep my unconscious mind under her control. I was released from my prison and I felt everything go numb. I was free for only a second and I wanted to apologize to Tifa, but I couldn't see anymore.  
  
The world had turned completely black and I lost consciousness...  



	8. Cloud's Mind

It was dark and cold. Like the midnight sky on a moonless night. I shivered and my eyes searched through the black velvet blanket that coated everything.   
  
But somehow it was comforting. In the darkness, no one can see you and no one has to even know if you exist. You can hide for an eternity, motionless and invisible. Nothing can find you when night masks your eyes, hiding you from the world.  
  
Jenova had released me from her sickening hold once I had been knocked out. She couldn't stay in control over me when I was unconscious. She needs conscious thoughts to latch onto, thrive upon, and command.   
  
Free of Jenova temporarily, I was trapped between sleeping and waking, unsure of either. I dreaded the horrible feeling of inferiority that would rise again with Jenova's will and I trembled at the thought of it caressing my mind.  
  
Voices screamed at me in anger and hatred through the endless black void I was standing in. A thousand voices crying out, voices from my thoughts. Hearing these voices in my mind was no stranger to me, but they were screaming so loudly that I could barely hear the static hissing in my ears.   
  
"Stop it!" I shouted angrily, unable to hear myself over the noise. I clawed at the darkness surrounding me, as if to silence the screams.  
  
"How does it feel, Cloud?" Zack's voice cut like cold steel through my thoughts.   
  
"What?" I spun around searching the darkness, the voices dying in my head.   
  
Zack's figure slowly materialized in front of me. His black spiky hair was messy, and long strands of ebony hung in front of his face. His eyes peered at me through the black strands, narrowed and accusing.  
  
He brushed away a strand of black hair from his face. I noticed he was freshly wounded still, the bullet holes in his chest weeping a stream of blood. He seemed not to notice or care.  
  
"This isn't real. I know you're just a hallucination... The blood's not real, and Zack's dead...It's all in my mind. It's all in my mind, just a hallucination made up by me..." I whispered to myself, watching him walk closer, his blood spilling on the floor.  
  
"I said, how does it feel, Cloud? How does it feel to know that you've murdered a friend with your own hands?" he scowled at me, showing no caring in the lines of his face.   
  
"I've killed before..." I sighed, suddenly, it became hard to breathe. I felt like I was suffocating, like the air held no oxygen.   
  
My eyes struggled to accommodate to the darkness, but everything remained pitch black around me, except Zack's outline.  
  
"I've killed countless others with my blade. Their blood has stained my sword as I'd cut down their lives. Why would one more matter...?" I asked him, shaking slightly.  
  
"Blood by blade is different than fist to flesh," Zack stepped near me, holding his chest as it bled all over his arms and body. He seemed unaffected by it, and hardly noticed it. I stared at his wound, breathing still very difficult.  
  
"He was the first person you've ever killed with your bare hands..." Zack stated flatly, glaring at me.   
  
He was right. I had never killed anyone with my hands, had never felt their soul escape their body at the moment of death. But with Cid I had...  
  
"You don't understand!!" I shouted, tears stinging in my eyes, my heart heavy. "I had no choice!! It was either him or Tifa!" I cried out.   
  
"You had a goddamn choice, you liar! You were just too weak to overcome Jenova's power. Too goddamn weak! Too goddamn self-absorbed! You never even knew how much Tifa cared for you and then you had to go and fuck everything up by attacking her!" Zack snarled, rage in his voice. He shoved me back with one bloodied hand.  
  
I fell back, staring up at the bullet holes in his chest gushing blood.   
  
"What are you staring at? This?" He pulled away his arm and touched his wound, wincing in pain. "This is what you caused! You let me die, Cloud! You didn't even try to help me! Always were too damn self-absorbed to notice anything that didn't involve you," He spat, watching his blood drip to the floor from his doused finger.   
  
"No...that's not true! I had no choice then, either! I was barely even conscious! I wanted to save you, but I couldn't. I couldn't even lift myself up!" I pleaded with Zack, who stared defiantly at me.   
  
"You were always like that. Always saying you had no choice. You had no choice but to watch Aeris die, you had no choice but to harm Tifa, you had no choice but to leave me to fucking die at ShinRa's hands!" His eyes flashed with ignited anger and I inched backwards, away from him.   
  
"I...I didn't have a choice! Your death is not my fault! Why are you blaming me for all of this?!!" I yelled in fear, Zack towering over me.   
  
"But Cid's death is your fault... It's just another sin to add to your soul," he replied solemnly.   
  
"I did it to save Tifa!" I insisted. "I couldn't break free from Jenova. It was either Tifa or Cid!"  
  
"So you broke his neck? Severed his life so abruptly. I bet you didn't even know you had the strength and power within you to take another man's life with a simple twist of tensed muscle. You didn't know you had it in you to murder ruthlessly," Zack's words were filled with such hatred. I shook my head at his every word.   
  
"It's not true!! Goddammit! It's not true! None of it is!! It wasn't me who did it! It was Jenova!! I couldn't do a damn thing to stop it!" I screamed out to him, hurt by the words of my deceased friend.  
  
"I suppose then that Jenova is also responsible for you harming Tifa?" Zack sarcastically sneered, his lips frowned in disgust.  
  
"I...I love Tifa, but she was always so perfect with no faults, nothing messed up in her past, nothing out of place or missing in her memory...not like me. Why was it that I had to have such a goddamn horrible life?! Why was I the unlucky one?!!" I felt angry tears sliding down my face as I screamed at Zack, trying to match the rage he held in his eyes.  
  
"Why are you so goddamn worried about yourself? Did you ever think about Tifa? Think about how much she cares for you!? She loved you, you dumbass! Didn't you hear a word she said to you? Why do you think it's only YOUR life that matters? Why are you so stupid?!!" Zack reached down, grabbing my shoulders.  
  
I shoved him away with all my might, not wanting to hear his words. "Get the fuck away from me!!" I yelled and stood up, walking away. But only darkness surrounded me. I had no where to go.   
  
"We all have problems, Cloud. Especially you. But you can't blame Tifa, you can't blame anyone for the fucked up things that happened to you. Why can't you realize this?" Zack was desperate to persuade me.  
  
"I can blame someone..." I whispered, closing my eyes, feeling fresh hot tears tumble to the floor.   
  
"Cloud, you're such an idiot..." Zack's last words hung in the air.  
  
"I can blame Sephiroth..."  
  
[[::::More Coming Soon!!:::: Sorry this chapter ended so abruptly. I forced myself to write this while I had writer's block, so it was really difficult for me to continue any more. I promise they'll be more after I get over this bad case of writer's block. Thanks for reading!! Cya.]]  



	9. Insanity's Peak

"Blame me for what? You did nothing wrong..." Sephiroth's calm voice spoke from behind me.   
  
I tilted my head to the side and noticed him standing right next to me. I turned and backed away from him.   
  
"I did nothing wrong...?" my voice mirrored my puzzlement.   
  
"No, you were simply following Jenova's command. Don't listen to this fool," Sephiroth scowled, pointing to Zack, who stood shaking his head defiantly.   
  
"Cloud, you're so stupid...." Zack commented softly, holding his bleeding bullet wounds, letting the blood flow through his fingers.   
  
"No! Shut up! Shut up!!! You're both not real! You're both dead!" I screamed, tearing my eyes away from their figures.   
  
"Killed by you..." Zack whispered, eyeing Sephiroth while speaking to me.   
  
"And I am just another sin to haunt you, true?" a new voice erupted from the darkness.   
  
Zack and Sephiroth stared at me as I watched another figure appear. My eyes went wide with horror.   
  
"Cid!" I hissed gently, ...unbelievable.  
  
"No... No! No!" I shook my head, squeezing my eyes closed. "No! This is all wrong!! Get away from me!" I screamed as Cid neared me.   
  
His neck was horribly bent out of shape and broken. He moved a lonely smile to me. "You never even thought what it would be like on the receiving end of your massacre?"  
  
"I...I told you all! It's not my fault!! I didn't want to kill Tifa!" I cried out to the darkness and the three figures.   
  
"You're right, it's not your fault. Don't listen to them, Cloud. They don't know what it's like to be under Jenova's influence. They have never experienced what both you and I have been through. But I feel your pain, I know what it's like to be under Jenova's power," Sephiroth's somber voice was comforting for once, and he placed a hand on my shoulder in support.   
  
I looked up at him and saw his evil grin. Zack stood impatiently, as if knowing he was the only one who spoke the truth. Cid's mangled form crept nearer to me.   
  
"Look what you've done to me now, Cloud," Cid's cracked lips whispered and for a moment I remember the exact words that Zack used before...  
  
"I hope you drown in your tears, Cloud," Zack shook his head at me again as if I was a hopeless case. I remembered Tifa's words so freshly spat in my mind.   
  
"Stupid, stupid, boy, so confused by everything around you. Which one speaks the truth?" yet another voice separated itself from the cries in my mind and joined the three figures.   
  
"Jenova..." I whimpered in fear, recognizing the cold feminine voice like ice.  
  
"You can't get him, Jenova, he's not in the waking world yet," Sephiroth called out to Jenova.   
  
"Don't worry, Cloud," Zack reassured me. "Don't let it happen again. Don't let her take your mind once more," he warned.   
  
"Poor Cloud, so alone and scared and confused by what's happened and what is happening," Jenova laughed.   
  
"I hate you, Cloud Strife! I hate you and I never want to see you again!" Tifa's last words to me echoed solemnly through my thoughts, fresh tears springing to my eyes.  
  
"Cloud, there was nothing you could do. Nobody can possibly understand what it's like to be under such a powerful entity like Jenova. It was either Cid or Tifa," Sephiroth stated.  
  
"Why didn't you save yourself? Why were you always too damn depressed or sunken in a pit of self-pity to realize the feelings of those around you?" Zack asked, "You never realized how much you affected some people, like Tifa..."  
  
"Why didn't you do anything to save me? Why were you always too weak? You know why you were always too weak?" Cid twisted his neck to look at me. I flinched away from him, not wanting to see his broken spinal cord sticking from the skin.   
  
"You know why you were always too weak? It's 'cause you were always too busy thinking about yourself and your own goddamn problems. You never saw the big picture, you were always too involved with yourself," Cid yelled at me.   
  
"I was too...busy thinking of myself?" I restated his words, thinking about carefully.   
  
"You dumbass! What he's trying to say is that you were always too concerned with yourself that you eventually grew weak. Strong minds are those who are generous and help others. Those who strive to become a hero- those are the strong ones. You? You were never a hero!" Zack laughed. "Always too busy dwelling on what a horrible life you've had that you never saw passed it. You never saw the good things that could have come from your life... you never saw Tifa!"   
  
"That's not true. All lies, Cloud. Don't listen to them. You life was horrible! What more did they expect from you? You were tortured! None of them have ever had to go through what you've had to go through. You have a reason to dwell in self-pity!" Sephiroth told me, grinning all the time.   
  
"No...I did see Tifa. Zack, you're wrong. I saw her. And I loved her. I really cared for her. I just thought that she was too good for me. I figured if she went through some pain and torture she'd understand me more and love me more... I don't know. It's hard to think now. I can't put any of the pieces of my memory together correctly. I don't understand my own motives..." I admitted, wiping my eyes as the shrieks in my head grew louder.   
  
"There are so many conflicts within you! So many thoughts and emotions. But you never realized what was most important. You never realized that we, your friends, were most important!" Cid informed me, cracking his neck back with his hands.   
  
"Shut up! All of you! Shut up!! I don't need to hear it! I don't need any advice from my own hallucinations!" I screamed.   
  
The voices grew silent for a moment.   
  
"But you know us each so well. You ended all of our lives. You let me die because you were too concerned with your own safety to put your life on the line to save me!" Zack accused.  
  
"Now that's just not true! Cloud was injured, what was he to do? You wanted him to get up, bleeding and dying, and miraculously save you? It's impossible! You expected too much from him," Sephiroth's words seemed kind and denied all my hatred buried deep within me for him.  
  
Zack paused for a second. "Cloud killed you, Sephiroth? And you're not bitter about it? He murdered Cid with his own bare hands?!" Zack pointed at me, arguing with Sephiroth.   
  
"Get outta my mind! I don't want this!! I can't change the past! I can't do a damn thing about whatever's happened to me before and I'm sorry for all my mistakes, dammit! Just leave me alone! All of you!!" I shouted with such fury that the voices abruptly stopped and everything grew eerily silent.  
  
"You can't ignore us. We are your sins..." Cid sadly reminded me.  
  
"Why do these voices argue?! Why are you all constantly arguing with me?" I screamed at the voices that began droning around me once more. The three figures stared at me, while the noise continued screaming in my ears.  
  
"Your emotions constantly conflict eachother and your thoughts betray you. Your own motives for your actions make you guilty and weak," Jenova called to me.   
  
"This is driving me insane!!! Why won't you all stop arguing and taking sides and pointing out my faults and blaming me! Just stop it!! Leave me the fuck alone!" I curled up in the darkness, clutching my head against the deafening noise and the voices arguing from the figures. I rocked back and forth slightly.  
  
"But if it's all in your mind, why don't you just make us go away...?" Zack tilted his head to the side, his eyes plainly questioning me.  
  
I stopped rocking for a moment. I stared up at each of them, not having an answer to such a simple question.   
  
Sephiroth, with his long silver hair waving in the air despite the fact there was no breeze. His emerald eyes reflected Aeris's. My hatred burned deeper for this man than anyone else, yet it was he who was supporting me. My emotions collided with eachother and my vision blurred for a moment. I shook my head and moved my eyes and thoughts onto Zack.   
  
Zack, spiky black hair shiny and messed. He was my best friend, and my idol. I had stolen his identity for half of my life, wishing my past were his and not my own. I wanted to exchange identities with him, fearing that to face my own troubled past would break myself down- it did.   
  
And here he was yelled to my face, screaming that I was weak and blaming me for his death. Was it really my fault? The friend I cared so much for was burdening me with his fateful death... Again my thoughts and emotions seemed to repel eachother for this conflicted figure standing above me. My thoughts tumbled until I couldn't face the enigma any longer. I turned my eyes to Cid.  
  
But Cid wasn't there...   
  
Instead, it was... me!   
  
"What the hell..." I stared at Cloud intently, unable to belief that myself was standing in front of me.  
  
His spikey blond hair stood proud coupled with the arrogant, yet solemn, expression on his face, as if nobody could even fathom understanding the hurt he went through and the pain he endured within.   
  
His clear blue eyes glowed softly and withheld a deep pain, a deep insanity that he kept to himself, holding away from the world. He looked tired, like he hadn't slept in days and he gazed at me with those shining eyes impatiently.   
  
"What do you want?" Cloud mumbled sadly to me.  
  
I was speechless. Unable to form any words in my surprise at hearing my own voice spoken. I didn't have the time to choke out an inaudible response to him, though.  
  
"Why do you paint yourself such a pretty self portrait?" Jenova's icy voice wondered through the darkness.  
  
"Allow me to show you your true self, you stupid, angry little boy..." Jenova's voice shifted from gentle to angry as Cloud brought his sad eyes to meet mine again.  
  
Little did anyone know that the only thing I am most afraid of is my true self...  
  
Zack and Sephiroth stood by silently as my worst nightmare formed from the dark shadows...  



	10. Dissolving Sanity

I could barely breathe in the tense air as the Cloud that stood in front of me morphed slowly into a living mirror. I gasped as I saw his glaring eyes stare hatefully at me.   
  
"There now, you'll see..." Jenova whispered.   
  
Cloud's hands were stained with blood and his narrowed eyes gleamed with a blue glow. He shoved me down with one hand, his strength almost incredible.   
  
"Who the fuck are you?" He growled, pointing at me with his gloved hand.   
  
"What? I'm Cloud Strife!" I leapt to my feet, suddenly defensive against this blond jerk that pretended to be me.   
  
"Cloud Strife, huh? I'm Cloud Strife!" He insisted and drew his weapon; it was the Ultima Weapon.   
  
I panicked, realizing I no longer had my sword with me, but I felt a familiar weight on my back. I lifted my hand up and felt the handle of my sword so comforting next to me. I unsheathed my Ultima Weapon and held it out in front of me.   
  
"What the hell is your problem?!" I shouted in frustration. Why did he want to fight me?  
  
"Why is it that you think you've got such bad problems. You think everything's so horrible! But you'll never feel the pain I've felt!" his aggression was unmistakable.   
  
This Cloud's appearance was much more animalistic than the first Cloud I had seen. The first one had held a deep pain and unimaginable depression masked from the world, while this one was straight out aggressive, arrogant, and self-absorbed. His hair was rugged and hung down in front of his face in most places. But if this was me...then...  
  
"Why do you want to kill me?" I yelled in desperate confusion.   
  
"Life's not fair, is it, Cloud?" his tone was low and threatening. Somehow these words seemed vaguely familiar to me... where had I heard them before?  
  
"You can never defeat yourself..." Zack's voice warned in my head. I glanced over at him and Sephiroth, standing as still as statues, watching us.  
  
"You can't even imagine the horrible things I've seen, the horrible things I've had to go through! How dare you think you know pain!!" Cloud snarled at me, his face dark with anger.  
  
"Zack, what the hell is going on?" I yelled over to Zack. "This is me! But it's not really me! I don't act like this!"  
  
"Maybe you do...People often see themselves differently than other people on the outside do. Did you ever think perhaps your actions were this aggressive?" Sephiroth's voice waved through the air.   
  
I didn't dare pull my eyes away from Cloud, knowing he would take any moment of hesitation to strike, like I would.   
  
"He is your inner demon, impossible to defeat. We all have our demons, but it is only the strong that can survive a confrontation such as this one..." Sephiroth warned me.   
  
I closed my eyes and tried to focus my raging thoughts and silence the screaming voices in my mind.  
  
"Okay, if this is me...Then I should know exactly what he's going to do... I should know exactly how he's going to fight..." I whispered to myself.   
  
"You cannot predict what I am going to do. You are the weak part of Cloud Strife, while I am the strong. I am better than you, quicker than you, and more powerful," Cloud's mouth twisted into a smile that I couldn't help but mirror with my own.  
  
"Alright...you're not real though. I am the real Cloud. I know that... You're fake..." I lowered my eyes at him and his arrogant smile remained.  
  
"No! You're the fake! Without me, you'd be nothing! You only survive by resorting to me in desperate times!" Cloud shouted at me, tilting his Ultima Weapon menacingly.   
  
"And I wish to rid myself of such a weak personality..." He beckoned a fight. "Without you I'd be perfect." He lashed the words out, and I shook my head. Surprisingly there was no static, but I did it out of habit now.  
  
"Two exact opposites..." Zack's eyes locked with mine for a moment. "Which one is the yin and which the yang? Which one pure and which corrupt? Is he the demon, or are you?"  
  
"Stop it! You're confusing me!!! Shut up! Just shut the hell up!" I screamed over at him. Zack smiled and grew silent.  
  
I began to ponder his seemingly meaningless words when Cloud took the opportunity to strike. My eyes caught the gleam of slashing metal as the blade swung towards me.   
  
I raised up my Ultima Weapon, catching his in a melodic clash of glowing steel. Our eyes locked and his were glazed red with anger, contrasting my cold blue Mako pools. I struggled against his strength as he forced our locked weapons closer to my face, my own sword slowly becoming overwhelmed. No, he can't possible be stronger than me!  
  
I summoned a root of strength and shoved him away. He stumbled back a foot and lunged at me once more. I slashed upwards and quickly downwards, hoping to catch him, but he knew what I knew and easily dodged it, releasing a quick upwards slash of his own, grazing my cheek barely.   
  
"Dammit!" I yelped feeling hot blood rush down my cheek. So this WAS real... how could I bleed if it were all an illusion? "No..." I didn't want to believe it.   
  
"Believe it, Cloud!" He spun around, swinging down his sword. "There's no more need for you anyway!"   
  
I stepped back from the swing, countering with one of my own. He ducked below the blade and my sword sliced through his spikey hair, cutting off a spike.  
  
He reached for his blond spikes and noticed the yellow clump of hair on the floor.   
  
"Whoa! What the hell was that for? You stupid useless dumbass!" he screamed, enraged, tenderly stroking his now short spike.  
  
I was breathing heavy from the fierce attack, my arms aching from the weight of my Ultima Weapon. "I'm NOT useless..." I spat bitterly.  
  
"Your useless to me and to Tifa. Tifa hates you anyway!" He laughed.   
  
My heart nearly stopped with his words and I felt the weightlessness creep through me, by mind opening into a white oblivion of inexpressible anger. How dare he say anything about Tifa!!  
  
I felt my anger bite through my sword and my adrenaline fueled my muscles as I lifted the heavy weapon above me, wanting nothing but to see the blood flow from Cloud's face, to make him feel pain.   
  
He glanced up from his fallen blond strands and paused for just a split second, seeing me peaked in the air, the blade waiting to taste his blood and splice through his flesh. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion.  
  
I swung my Ultima Weapon down on him for that fateful moment of hesitation he held. His clear blue eyes suddenly filled with such fear and horror that I saw my own reflection in his blue pools. I was a demon in his eyes. ...The demon in myself.  
  
I struck Cloud down, watching him crumble, his weapon clattering uselessly to the floor, the hand that once held it dead. I drew my sword from his corpse and his blood pooled thickly around him, my inextinguishable anger was now satisfied with his death.  
  
I smiled at my own dead body, blood sinking up along my boots. I sheathed my Ultima Weapon happily, the blood dripping from the blade.   
  
I had done the impossible- I had defeated myself. I smiled, pleased with my own actions for once.   
  
Then I heard a cry, more like a moan of sorrow. I turned and saw Tifa running through the black scene towards the fallen Cloud, her eyes full of tears.   
  
"Tifa..." I called softly, but she seemed not to hear me.   
  
No, she's just an illusion... she's not real...  
  
"Oh Cloud!" she cried and knelt besides the freshly massacred body, not caring about the blood soaking up around her knees.  
  
"Why did this happen, Cloud? Why!?" She screamed out, trying to wipe the tears mercilessly running down her cheeks. She gently ran her hair through the deceased Cloud's golden spikes.  
  
"Tifa! I'm here! It's me, Cloud!" I called to her, but she still couldn't see me. She was blind to my appearance. I felt as though I was watching a horrible movie.   
  
"Cloud...I loved you. You never knew it, but I loved you so much. If only I had told you sooner," she paused to sob and held Cloud close, gently caressing the bloody strands of blond hair away from his face.   
  
I stood not knowing what to make of all this.   
  
"Listen, Cloud..." Jenova advised me softly.   
  
"I loved you and I never even got a chance to tell you how much you meant to me!" Tifa sobbed.   
  
"That's not the Tifa I know. The Tifa I know hates me now..." I sighed, sadly.   
  
"Why did this have to happen? If only you were to just stay alive for another moment, I could have told you how much I love you, but now you're gone... I can never hear your voice again or feel your comforting hug...I can never wake every morning knowing I am safe when I am with you. Oh gods..." Tifa trailed off, bending close to the bloody body.  
  
"I...I don't understand this..." I trembled to see Tifa in such emotional pain.   
  
"You don't see how much she loves you?" Jenova asked.   
  
"But that's not the Tifa I know. Tifa hates me, she'll never forgive me for my sins..." I turned away from the scene, my eyes filling with sorrow.  
  
"You just never saw it from her point of view. To her, you are dead. The Cloud she knew is dead at least..." Jenova informed me and I turned back to Sephiroth and Zack.  
  
"Why are you showing me this? What do I have to gain by slaying myself?!" I shouted at them, the stress in my mind mounting and my eyes burned with angry tears.  
  
"Maybe you could learn from it...Learn more about yourself..." Zack commented softly.  
  
"Get me away from here..." I shut my eyes.  
  
[[*Much more to come, I just don't have the time to write it all tonight. I'll wrap up the story soon, I know it's getting kind of long*]]  



	11. Faded Reality

"Get you away from here?" Zack looked puzzled for a moment.   
  
"Cloud, so foolish. Thinking he could easily defeat me," my own voice spoke to me through the darkness. I stared down at the dead body of my stronger self, confused. "Don't you remember that I am the stronger part of you? I was hoping you learn how important you are to Tifa by seeing how she would react to your death...but apparently you're too stupid to realize it all," my voice told me.   
  
"But I know this is all just an illusion, just a hallucination. And I want to wake up. I can't stand any of this anymore. It's just confusing me more and driving me insane!" I yelled to Zack and Sephiroth.   
  
"If only you'd learn!" Sephiroth shouted in frustration. "Learn from yourself, selfish boy!"  
  
"I ...I don't care! Just get me outta here... I wanna leave this place, can't take it anymore..." I whispered.   
  
"Fine! So be it!" Zack and Sephiroth screamed at me in harmonic unison.   
  
I shut my eyes. Oh god, I feel I'm falling. I can't think anymore, I can't breathe anymore... Heaven help me.  
  
Everything became a blur of black and my stomach jumped as I fell. I heard someone calling my name far off, so distant...   
  
Suddenly, my eyes jolted open and I sat up, gasping and brushing blond hair out of my eyes. That was all a dream... It was nothing but a stupid nightmare...I'm awake now...   
  
"Cloud...Awake now?" someone familiar called to me.   
  
My eyes focused and I realized I was in a jail cell, lying on a small uncomfortable bed. "What the hell is this...?" I muttered, my eyes trying to focus on the person talking to me from behind the bars in my cell.   
  
"How did I end up here?" I mumbled, shaking my head clearing away the hissing static.   
  
"Tifa knocked you out and had you brought here... You know you killed Cid, right? You sick bastard..." Barret was saying to me.   
  
I turned to him. He was standing outside of my cell, glaring at me through the bars. "What the fuck is going on?" I asked him. "Why am I here?"  
  
"Well, you killed Cid and a bunch of nursing assistants down at the asylum, I've been told. I just came by to visit you. I dunno why. I guess it's hard to believe that you're like this now... I mean, because before you were okay and we were friends and all..." Barret's eyes were troubled and he wouldn't meet my gaze.   
  
"Get me outta here! I need to talk to Tifa!" I demanded.   
  
"No, she doesn't ever want to see you again. She says she'll never forgive you, Cloud," Barret told me.   
  
I felt my heart sink. "No! You have to convince her to see me, to talk to me one last time. Please!! I need to talk to her! Please, Barret!" I begged, trying to grasp his arm through the bars. He pulled away.  
  
"You crazy, man. I'm trying to convince the Junon authorities that you need some mental help and maybe move you back into the asylum, but they just won't listen. What the hell's the matter with the justice system these days? I mean, you could be fine if they just got you some help, but instead they're just gonna let you rot here..." Barret shook his head. "It ain't right, man."  
  
"Wait, what? I'm... I'm stuck here?! Nonono, there must be a mistake. See, I was under Jenova's power and-" I began to say.   
  
"Yeah right..." Barret cut me off. "Jenova's power? Nice excuse, Cloud. That only worked once in the past when you beat the crap outta Aeris. You think that's gonna work again when you almost killed Tifa?" He narrowed his eyes at me. I shrunk back.   
  
"No, I'm serious! You think I would ever consciously want to hurt Tifa?!" I looked hurt and angry at him. "She's the one person I would NEVER want to hurt!"   
  
"Liar..." Zack was leaning against the wall of my cell, shaking his head.   
  
"Not you... Go away!" I screamed at him, but he didn't move.   
  
"Man, you're losing it! What are you screaming at?" Barret darted his eyes over to where Zack was, but he couldn't see Zack.  
  
"Zack! Get away from me! I thought I told you to leave me alone!!" I howled at his blank face, vacant eyes staring through me. "Zack!" I yelled, clawing at my hair. "Get outta my mind!!"  
  
"Whoa man, you're insane! What the hell's the matter with you? Get a hold of yourself!" I heard Barret yell to me, but he sounded so distant. Zack smirked.   
  
"Get Tifa! Please, Barret!! Goddammit! Get Tifa, for me! I'm begging you!" I pleaded with him, so desperate for Tifa's attention, a need to see her so urgent. I needed to tell her what was wrong with me, what had happened, and how I feel about her.   
  
"Cloud, you've lost it. She don't wanna talk to you no more," Barret backed away.   
  
"Get her for me now!!" I growled ferociously, Zack shaking his head in the corner. "GO!" I ordered him.   
  
"Awright, but she won't listen..." Barret yelled back and scurried off.   
  
I watched him leave and turned back to Zack. "I thought I left you... I thought I didn't have to see you again!" I was out of breath from the inner-struggle I was feeling with my mind.   
  
Jenova's powers were now crawling into my mind, attempting to get control of me once more since I was now awake. But I was no longer as weak as I was before. I wouldn't let her get me this time... Please Tifa, understand...  
  
**Next Chapter: The Last Visit (finale!)**  



	12. The Final Visit

I was waiting. I sat in my cell and paced... waiting for Tifa, waiting for Barret, for anyone... but I knew nobody would forgive me for murdering Cid. But if only they knew it wasn't me who killed Cid... it was Jenova. It was Jenova, not me! Why couldn't anyone believe me?  
  
The sun had set and risen only once, but each second felt like a minute, each minute like an hour! Time moved so slowly I could have sworn I was waiting for an eternity.  
  
Just when I thought I could bear no more tedious hours, pacing back and forth, tearing at my hair, the door opened and she walked down to my cell. I couldn't believe it! I swore I heard angels calling her name as she stepped towards me, but her eyes avoided mine. A smile spread across my face.   
  
"Tifa! You showed up!" I whispered happily, words unable to express my joy.   
  
She didn't even glance up, but kept her eyes on the floor. "I'm giving you 5 minutes of my time." She announced harshly.  
  
"Tifa, please I need you to understand one thing..." I blinked as Sephiroth's image flashed by my eyes. "Tifa," I began again, but Sephiroth snickered and appeared behind her figure.   
  
"4 minutes. I don't have time for your nonsense..." Tifa scowled, but never met my gaze.  
  
"No, please, listen. You need to understand that I never wanted to hurt you! I wasn't able to control myself..." I pleaded.   
  
"You never wanted to hurt me? I'm sure that explains the big scar on my cheek, right?!" she spat angrily.  
  
"Listen to me, please! I would never want to hurt you, but I was under Jenova's power," I stopped talking to hear Tifa huff and roll her eyes. "Please! Understand. I never wanted to hurt Cid either!"  
  
"You didn't just hurt him! You KILLED him!! Cid's dead because of you!" She shouted and backed away a step.   
  
"Tifa, you're not listening to me!" I began to get frustrated. "It wasn't me in control that night. It was Her, it was Jenova! It's true that sometimes I am not myself," I noticed Sephiroth start laughing when I said this, but I ignored him and continued, "But I definitely would never ever wanna hurt you or Cid or anyone!"  
  
"Why should I believe you? You're just using Jenova as an excuse! A pitiful stupid excuse because everyone knows you have problems with your past and with Sephiroth. Well I don't care and I don't buy your sad story!" her words cut through me like daggers and the ache in my heart started up again.   
  
"But..." I began to protest.   
  
"You are insane, Cloud. You are not mentally well and you cannot blame Jenova," she wiped her eyes.  
  
There was no mirror in my cell, so I couldn't tell what I looked like. Did I look ...insane? Oh god, I feel insane. My grip on reality is warped and my sanity is harder to clutch than before...please, help me!  
  
"No, I'm not insane..." I denied, ignoring the pounding protests in my mind. "I'm not insane!" I repeated again as if for reassurance.  
  
Tifa sighed. "You've got one more minute. Now what was it that was so important you wanted to tell me?"  
  
I stopped and I realized I had to tell her now... Everything was building up to these words and I hoped it wouldn't break anything down...   
  
"Tifa. I...love you," I felt the tears hit my eyes as if she had already stabbed me in the heart.   
  
"Love? You love me? You tried to kill me! And now you are saying you love me? I don't think you know what love is, Cloud. I don't think you could ever understand!" She suddenly screamed, tears forming in her eyes.   
  
"But...you said before...that...you loved me...once..." I reminded her sadly, finding it hurt to talk.  
  
"I thought I loved you once... But I can NEVER love you again after all that's happened, after all the hurt you put me through!" She cried, for the first time looking right into my eyes, her soulful ruby ones meeting mine. And I saw her pain...her emotional tragedy... familiar to my own...   
  
"Hurt? I never wanted to hurt you! I never wanted anything bad to happen to you! It wasn't my fault! You need to understand that Jenova is still alive and Jenova is still trying to dominate me! It wasn't me controlling the hands that Cid died by...it was all Jenova! Please, you must understand! I don't wanna lose you!" I felt the hot tears roll down my cheeks, but I didn't care. I didn't brush them away, I wanted Tifa to see how I was suffering.  
  
"What do you have to cry about?" She angrily yelled, brushing away her own tears. "You're friend isn't dead! The one you love didn't try to kill you, didn't try to hurt you!"  
  
"Yes she did... The girl I love hurt me a lot... Tifa..." I barely could speak, her sharp words biting me.  
  
"You don't love me, Cloud! You're not capable of love! You don't know what love is! You are an emotional and mental wreck!" She had done it. She had broken my heart. Right then and there, for the second time, she had destroyed me.   
  
She was my fall into insanity, she was my reason to die, my lost will... Everything stopped, everything turned gray.   
  
"But you said before...you...love...me..." I couldn't say the words without quivering and letting the tears fall silently.   
  
"I still do, but I love who you used to be...You're not the same anymore though. You're not the one I fell in love with and you cannot return my love," her red teary eyes met mine.   
  
"Why should we both go through such pain when we can be happy together?" I whispered barely audible through the bars of my cell to her.   
  
"We can never be happy together. Nothing will ever work out with you in this condition. If Jenova is fighting to take control over you, I don't think you can return the love I once had for you. I don't think you could ever be the same Cloud I fell in love with. I'm sorry..." She turned away and began to leave.   
  
"No!! Please! Don't leave me! We can work things out! We can be together! I can grow strong with you and Jenova won't be a threat!" I shouted after her, reaching my arms through the steel bars, wanting only to reach her and to hold her.  
  
"I hate the person you've become and I cannot trust you after you killed Cid and almost killed me. I won't ever see you again," She calmly told me, wiping her eyes.   
  
There was nothing more I could say...nothing more to feel, everything was dead. I tried to speak, but my voice left me. I tried to cry, but my tears ran dry. I was hollow now.   
  
I felt dead and as soon as the door shut behind her, I fell to the concrete floor, feeling my own weight sink me into the ground. There was no emotion in me, no thoughts. She was gone now... I would never see her again. I told her I loved her and she rejected it with harsh words. She no longer loved me and thought I was incapable of feeling love.   
  
If I cannot feel love, then why did my heart break?  
  
~"You are just a puppet... You have no heart...and cannot feel any pain... How can there be any meaning in the memory of such a being?"~ Sephiroth's voice pounded into my thoughts, sprung from a memory embedded in me, from when Tifa and I had first reached the North Crater, before Weapon was released.   
  
I rocked back and forth, trying to silence the growing voices. Jenova sighed as she easily gripped onto my collapsed mind.   
  
"Worthless creature now..." She hissed. "How can you carry out my bidding trapped in a cell. If only you had killed Tifa instead of Cid, I could have had full control over you before! Now, you're worthless. Hojo was right, you are a failure.."  
  
Even 'Mother' didn't accept me now... but she wouldn't release me. Zack and Sephiroth faded away into a background of screaming voices, leaving me alone once more.  
  
THE END  
  
ooc: ok, finally finished! Do you think it ended ok, or does it need another short chapter to wrap everything up? I'd love to know what you think. Thanks for reading! I might add more later, so be sure to check back soon!  
  
~~Also, I know I made Tifa seem a bit bitchy in this, but I really like her character and I was trying to explain how hurt she was that Cloud killed Cid and nearly killed her too. I was trying to see it from her point of view and I wasn't intending for her to seem bitchy. So don't get me wrong, I love Tifa's character, don't think I hate her!~~  



	13. Author's Note

Author's Note:  
  
A lot of people have left reviews saying there should be another chapter and...well, I wrote a whole 'nother story that starts off right after Asylum ends. It's the sequel! So go read it right now! I need some reviews for it before I add any more. I know this "chapter" is real short, but I just want to encourage everyone to go read the sequel! I think it's better. It has more Sephiroth in it!! *tries to tempt readers with Sephiroth* I also tried to put more surprises and BIG CHANGES in it!!  
  
GO READ IT NOW!!!!! It's called "Scars Remain". 


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